Half my testimony,
This might be my most unpopular post. No pictures, no nothing. It is a great leap of faith as I pour out my all without any apprehension and fear of being judged for I do believe in the sovereign grace of my God that He will allow people to read this until the very end and be blessed.
Where do I start? It would be crazy to sum up six years of my life in just one post. But yeah, let’s try to do that and maybe I’ll start with saying that I finally took the biggest exam in my whole Accounting life— the CPA Board Exam.
I should have taken the said exam last October 2013 but I felt that I was not ready in any aspect. I was incredibly spiritually dry and mentally unprepared. I was vulnerable, bitter and lost. I’ve convinced myself I was a misfit instead of trusting God that He did put me up in this course with a purpose.
Because of that doubt and disbelief, I lost my joy and confidence in Christ. No, I did not do drugs and thank God I was too socially awkward to find my way to the “cool” kids who smoke. But I did compromise and found comfort in the wrong company. As a result, I grew cold and complacent in my walk with Christ.
I have always been a pessimist. I don’t know why I’ve always loved discounting myself way too much for my own good. It practically was my self-made recipe for disaster. I was on my four-month review to taking my board exam on October when I felt the most depressed.
I succumbed to the pressure. I felt lonely thinking I was the only one fighting the battle. Sure, there were times when I knelt down and prayed but it was all at the surface. I could barely hear Him speaking and I knew it was because I’ve quenched the Holy Spirit in me. I was so screwed and only divine intervention could save me. But how is that possible? I’m not deserving of God’s favor. I’m a great sinner and all I deserve is wrath. Clearly, the years of being in a spiritual drought had made me forget about grace.
So I decided to take the exam later in May. At least I got six months more. I had good intentions to clean my mess up. I made a conscious decision to go back to Christ and commit to a discipleship group. Slowly but surely, I lost love for the world and became more secured in His promise. All the head knowledge that I had about Him was now getting applied in real life. It brought me so much joy! There were bad days here and there but God always met me halfway.
Things finally started to get brighter and better like I hoped for— all because of God’s grace. I’m glad to say I survived the almost-ten months of review (our boards got postponed) and I conquered the four-day CPA board exam.
I’m glad that I chose to not let this experience pass up without being offered to Christ. The world might think I’m crazy for delaying my future endeavors just to make things right with God before moving on. But I honestly gained more than what they thought I had lost. I was restored in every way and my life will never be the same.
I am writing this long post to praise God for all that He has done for me—before and during the exam. I thank Him for fighting alongside with me and even going before me. I could not help but stand in awe of what a great God I am serving. My tears could not be held back as I think of how He revealed so much of Himself so that I would no longer leave room for doubt of what He could do through, in and for me. Truly, it’s all a matter of perspective. If you have a GREAT GOD, you have SMALL PROBLEMS and if you have a SMALL GOD then you will have BIG PROBLEMS (I quote Pastor Tan-Chi).
This is half of my testimony and I could not wait to write about the other half tomorrow or next week. Pass or fail, I know God’s will is perfect. All I desire from now on is a life that is wholly surrendered to Him, in both good times and bad times. Now I know that whatever the result, I am victorious. I will no longer feel anxious nor depressed about my future for I am assured that God is the one holding it.
Thank God for His abundant grace that leads me to genuine repentance. I always thought that somehow God would love me less because of my sins but Romans 5:20 (But where sin abounds, grace abounds much more) debunks that mentality.
I’m glad that I’m no longer fooled by the enemy into thinking that I’m a hopeless case. God wants us back. If you were able to read this until the very end, rejoice for you are blessed to be loved by God. My prayers are with you that you might be moved by the Holy Spirit even with just half of my testimony.
Glory to God.